filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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