i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
