Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
