I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
