the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
