So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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