i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
