Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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