It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
