NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Randomize
