So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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