You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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