Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
