you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
