my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
