I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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