Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
they're like a gay fantastic four
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
