Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
