You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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