I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Randomize
