I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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