I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
