Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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