hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
