walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
