i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
