no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
