Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You're like the curious george of whores
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
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