I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
