i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
