We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
