it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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