I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
