her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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