I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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