I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
