How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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