Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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