I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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