How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
