I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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