just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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