This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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