Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
