I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize