shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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