Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
