like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize