He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
