Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
