Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
