he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
