i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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