He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
3 2 1 whiskey
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
