She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
