Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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