I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
