If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
